I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
