Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
