So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
