I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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