I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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