Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
