Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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