Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You're like the curious george of whores
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
