Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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