Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
