hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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