You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
