I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
