I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
