i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
