12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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