Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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