Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
