My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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