Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
