Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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