I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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