i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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