I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
