Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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