I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
