She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
