My liver just broke up with me...
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
my poor anus
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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