last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
