Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
never play flip cup with pint glasses
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
