So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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