Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
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We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
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can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Sorry about my life...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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