Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
