dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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