Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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