if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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