you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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