a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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