I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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