"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
