his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
