yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
