Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Who put my cat in the fridge?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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