Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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