it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
