Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
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