1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
