I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
