You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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