note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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