Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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