We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
