so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize