so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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