I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
