dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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