I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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