I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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