i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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